is there really such a thing as normal? what is normal? isn’t it just a perception of what we think the baseline for judging people, actions, and events by as an individual and a society?
i was recently asked if i’ve ever taken a personality test. you know, the ones where you get told your some 4 letter type that doctors or psychologists have put together. i googled it and found a link that explains the MBTI personality test. i found several sites (some good and some not so good). there are free tests and paid ones, as with anything, choose wisely. i found a free test and found that i am a INFJ (counselor) under the idealist classification. am still trying to digest all of that. will post more when it makes more sense to me.
idk. im so scattered today. having trouble focusing. not sure where all this is going but it started because i’ve gone on a few dates with this guy. he’s a bit quirky and apparently his friends told him to act ‘normal.’ that girls go for the tough guy or bad boy. seriously? just be yourself. and since when is that ‘normal’ for dating? i woke up this morning to an email from him on my blackberry explaining his odd behavior the last time we hung out. im taking my time in replying back to that email. definitely one i want to think through so my thoughts are expressed clearly.
its just made me really contemplate everything around me lately. what is normal? why do we have the need to fit in and belong? why are the people at my job so petty and into the gossip (myself included)? have just been looking at my goals in life and what progress i have made or what may be tripping me up. there are so many things in my life right now that have me frustrated or depressed. im trying to look inside myself and at whats around me to see what i have control over to change and what i need to just let go of and move on. its scary and tough. i’ve gotten myself to a point where i am afraid to make a choice and go for it. i need to break free from the rut i am in and do something.
i am never going to be happy until i go for my dreams. this isn’t easy, and i’ve felt out of sorts for days now with all of this on my mind, but im sorting through the clutter little by little. im taking stock in my strengths and weaknesses, where i am and where i would like to be, the people around me, and the changes i can make today to help achieve the ones that will happen gradually over time. basically i am trying to take control over my life. to stop being a victim and be proactive.
i’ve lost my train of thought again so im going to walk away from the computer for a while. what really set all this off was the comment and email from one friend, and the actions of another that i have been observing. both have stung me a little and both have my perplexed. i hope to expand further when i have some clarity back…
…those were the 1st 3 songs on my ipod today as i put it on shuffle (not the lyrics but the song itself just resontes with me lately, the mood perhaps?) and cleaned my apartment. man was that overdue. yikes! after a month of 4 night classes a week on top of working the midnight shift and then factor in the firehouse and sleep, who has time for a social life and cleaning? i was lucky if i made it to the gym awake. i think i zombied myself through a few workouts. im addicted to my wii and between that and my 2 new kettlebells, i have quite the home workout routine going. i’ve been using at least 1 of them daily even on my gym days. come on, rhythmic kung fu and the ski jump are just fun to play on the wii regardless of my workout. i’ve been better about the gym. i can plod along on the treadmill and not feel like im going to fall off. been way to hot in that tiny room lately, but oh well. i can’t back out now. i have 2 firefighter entry tests coming up this spring. im nervous for taking the cpat. i know i can do it, but im worried about not having the upper body strength i need to keep up the pace to complete it in the time allowed (10min or less). i’ve started a pretty rigorous lifting routine at the gym and my body aches from it constantly. hoping this will pay off in the end. and before you all start yelling… im not in PAIN, just achy from the tough workouts. my knee and shoulder are holding up well so far. though i can feel the instability in my shoulder during some of my kettlebell moves. hoping that, with repeated practice and time, it will get better.
so have i mentioned im a homeless firefighter? my firehouse is being renovated and the paid crews are living in 2 small trailers, but there is no place for the vollys to hang out. what gives? i don’t think i’ve seen even half my firehouse in the past few weeks. we had another structure fire, but as my luck would have it, i was working and was dispatching the call. i got to hear everything and was wishing i was there the whole time. thats my 3rd fire where my company went and i was the voice over the radio. doh! hoping it’ll be my turn to respond to the scene soon. i appreciate all the feedback and it feels good knowing the guys like hearing my voice on the other end of the radio, but i dont need to prove myself as a dispatcher to them. i want their respect as a fellow firefighter. some of them want me there and others do not. yes i am a girl, and on of the few actively on scene (at least that i have seen). yes, i know i need to work on my strength and my skills, but that doesn’t mean you can write me off. im trying. im learning. i may have turned in my probie helmet when i got my fire 1&2 certs, but im still new at this. it makes me so angry that the paid guys, most of who volunteer in their hometowns, are so quick to write off the vollys, and me. the girl.
work. i have a love/hate relationship with my job. more hate than love lately. not sure what it is, but people have found a way under my skin and its insane. i mean seriously. here’s a recent list of my wacky, weird, and/or annoying calls:
- calls 911 to ask me to call her back to wake up her aid (aid can’t tell me if she needs an ambulance or not)
- 911 because the power is out and cl&p put them on hold
- there’s a man in the mirror (duh, it’s your reflection. lay off the coke)
- 911 call to say their phone is being tapped and will be calling the fbi in the morning (it’s currently 3am)
- there’s a low flying helicopter in the area spying on my house (yes ma’am, its because the house up the street is on fire and its the local news)
- the firetrucks are making to much noise (so im supposed to let the house burn???)
- my mailbox got hit and knocked over do i need a report for my insurance? (spend the $40 and get a new one!?!?)
- my daughter wont go to school….
- my roommate stole my drugs
and this list could go on forever. i enjoy my job, i really do, but sometimes i need a mental break. my new resolve at the gym is helping me cope with the stress and frustration. now if only we can get better hours with the new contract so i can get my arse back in an ambulance. that change of pace was always refreshing. fd here doesn’t do ems calls but we’ve been busier lately with the cold weather.
its nothing new, but im still feeling lost. i have my good days and my bad days in dealing with my depression and my anxiety. i feel like im at this huge crossroad and i dont know which way to go. i know i want to go for a career firefighter position and i know i want to go back to school for a masters in emergency management. i know before i can do either i need to save money and get in much better shape. so why do i feel like im stuck in a rut of endless waiting. should i just go for broke and see what happens? i signed up for the cpat and the 2 firefighter enrty tests so we will see what happens. i’ve been feeling very insignificant lately. small, lost, unnoticed. is it my lack of confidence? probably. how do i get that back? i feel like im throwing myself off a cliff, but i don’t know what else to do. am i being too short sighted and forgetting that all the small steps now will lead to something bigger? i read about all these people in ems, doing what i want to do, some younger some older, but they all seem so put together. i hope i can have that confidence one day, but how do i get there? i’ve never been sure of my path (work, dating, life). how do i know? im lonely and tired of all this doubting. learning to put the faith back in myself is a lot scarier than reading it in some blog or book or conversation with my mom.
take a deep breath, just like in running, and move forward. i know where i want to end up. now i need to make it happen. feet dont fail me now…
its 5am and my train of thought is fading. 3 hours to go until i can go home, have a quick breakfast, and head to the gym. but who’s counting….
am watching the navy/missouri football game replay on espn while bored out of my mind at work. 4am came around and the action just stopped dead in its tracks. im not complaining (much) but this is when i start to fight to stay awake. ugh! new years eve was uneventful as i slept through it. i wasn’t up from dealing with amateur night and definitely was not in a bar/crowd mood. we had a fair amount of snow the night before so i canceled my plans to head up to boston and just enjoyed a quiet night at home. monday my weekly kettlebell training class starts. its a 10wk class and im nervous and excited at the same time. am hoping it will break up the monotony of winter training in the gym some what. i hate running on the treadmill and the pool has just been way too busy even for my taste. im dreading my workout after work. see how many ‘revolutnioners’ show up on a saturday morning. i dont mind the crowds if they are doing something, but i can not stand the people who just wander aimlessly and take up space and my time in an already small and cramped ymca gym. i’ve signed up for my 1st 5k of the year. doing a shamrock and roll race in the spirit of st pattys day in new haven ct on march 7. running a 5k race is not a bad way to celebrate my 31st birthday. what a schedule to start too: work 5 midnight shifts per week, kettlebell class monday nights (jan-mar), emt recert every tues/thurs during january, and my gym goals. im hitting the ground running for 2010.
my goals for 2010
- pick a workout plan and stick with it
- workout every day (lifting days opposite cardio days/stretch, abs, and yoga every day) – goal is to do something every day around a hectic work schedule
- try kettlebells (signed up for a beginner class starting 1/4 for 10wks)
- 1st goal check in is my bday, 3/7. i want to be down 15lbs and at least 3% lower on my bmi
- be honest, realistic, work hard, and have fun!
- will keep tabs of my progress and struggles here
