to know everything

… you must admit to know nothing.

i know nothing.  i just don’t understand things anymore.  apparently this past week society has decided to blow it self up (shootings in schools, town halls, etc…) again.  the calls i received at work this week really weren’t all that strange or weird, but the callers freaked me out.   people are really just losing their grip on reality.  is it drugs?  are we screwing around too much with science and genetics?  do we really know what is in the food we consume or the medicines we take?  the standing joke at work when the town goes to hell is, ‘it’s something in the water.’  that realization gave me the chills.  i feel like a lab mouse in some experiment today.

ups and downs.  life is always a roller coaster of ups and downs.  i’ll start with the downs.  i had a few really great dates with this one guy.  why all of a sudden did i just get cut off?  he hasn’t returned an email, text message, or voice mail in over a week.  we left the last date on a really good note, so what changed?  i love my best friends to death.  they tried to make me feel better and say all the right things, tell me the stories of how they struggled until they met their now husbands, but bottom line is the fact that i am not going to chase him.  i tried to reach him and he has failed to return the call.  why am i the one who has to come across as needy and chase him?  i’m not playing that  game.  it’s not worth it.  i’m not changing who i am or what i do to fit someone else’s life.

okay, time for an up.  i have the possibility of the opportunity to finally move out of the house.  one of my coworkers told me of an apartment that will be available soon and made a call for me.  tomorrow, monday, im calling the landlord/owner to talk about the situation and see what the deal is and then my bank to go over my financial situation to make sure i can afford it and still accomplish my current goals.  it’s a small 2 bedroom apartment but the price is right and situation if favorable for me.  the challenging part is finding a roommate since i can not afford it on my own right now.  the idea of getting out of the house makes me thrilled.  no offense to my family, but im tired of being at home.  getting out of the house may just be the kick in the ass i need to get motivated to really save money, make the budget, and ‘grow up.’  i hate to admit it, but i get kind of lazy when i live at home.  tend to spend more than i should because i don’t have to worry about making the bills, rent, etc…  not good.  i need and want out of that rut!  having my own place will be fun.  i wont be as hesitant to entertain and have people over when i don’t feel like i am under foot of my parents in their house.  it will be nice to be able to just do my thing.  cook something because i want to eat it, watch a tv show or movie because it is what i want to see, decorate the way i would like to, etc…   it will be nice to just be me.  another bonus for the apartment is that my commute from home, to work, to the gym, and back home would be under 6 miles instead of the 80-90 miles im making now.  half my rent right there is what i spend a month in gas.  so we’ll keep our fingers crossed.  my car will love it too, im sure.  less wear and tear on my poor vw gti (my road warrior).

the other up.  one of my best friends is due to have her baby on February 18th.  one week from tomorrow.  we got the best friends together and did a huge pot luck dinner last night.  it was a lot of fun.  i felt bad watching her try to get comfortable or just moving around in general.  she is so pregnant and ready to pop at any second.   im sure it will be a huge relief when the baby finally comes.  we’re all on the edge of our seats every time the phone rings.  could this be the call that makes us all rush to the hospital to see the new addition to this circle of friends?  we’re all excited for her.

that it for today.  just moody today.  maybe irritable is a better word.  im not sure.  i want to be excited about the apartment but i have this feeling of impending doom because the one person i asked to be my roommate i think will flake out on me.  nothing against her, but it’s the feeling im getting.  my other roommate choice can’t afford it right now.  i wont be mad at him for that.  i understand completely.  this just feels to good to be true and i want it to work.  the repetition of failed dates just makes me feel tired.  i have to put a lot of effort into my schedule to make a date work.  the balance of how long i am awake and how much sleep i get is tough.  especially with the commute i have for work right now.  just makes me feel unappreciated, unwanted, and just unworthy in general.  not good.  the apartment, at least for now, would be a nice pick me up.  new town, new people, new routine, and my own place.  the ability to be me.  not to mention greenwich is a bit more city like than the lake community im in now.  i wont have to drive for ever just to get to the store or to the bar with friends.  stamford has a night life, not that im a bit partier, but it would be a nice change of pace.  so i guess for now we will just have to wait and see what happens.  there might even be a few surprises.  we’ll just see…