is there magic in the holidays any more?  the honking cars in impatient traffic, the me-mine-what can you give me mentality of shoppers, the hurry up and rush… what happened to enjoying the time, friends, and the season? i’ve found, since graduating college, that every year it has gotten harder to be in the ’spirit’ of the season.  i can pass the blame and put it on work, finances, my being single, friends moving away, getting married and having kids, and just moving on in general.  its so easy to get wrapped up in the negative that we forget to take a breath, step back, and look on the bright side.  i fully admit the past few years, this one especially, have been hard for me (emotionally and physically), but i really can’t blame anyone or anything but myself.  i’ve made a list of things i want to change and ways i can go about achieving those goals, but the results never seem to come fast enough.  i’ve been repeating to myself that, ‘good things come to those who wait,’ but now i need to learn to not lose hope and keep motivated.

i had one of those breakthrough moments today.  i lived in the moment.  i was at the firehouse having lunch and studying for my Q class (certification to drive fire apparatus) and a few of the guys ended up down there as well.  we have no heat at the moment due to the firehouse being under renovation, and we decided it felt warmer outside so we ventured out and braved the chilly wind.  how we ended up in the middle of a snowball fight, i have no clue, but as we emptied the snow from the bed of one of their pickup trucks, i caught my reflection in the window and saw a smile i havent seen, felt, or heard (we were all laughing hysterically) in a long time.  sitting on the tailgate of the truck, packing a snowball as traffic drove by and probably thought we were nuts, i felt like myself again. no worries, no cares, no insecurities for that brief moment.  it felt amazing.  now to figure out how to tap into that when im not feeling it. when im tired and lacking motivation. 

im currently stuck at work on a double shift (16hrs) in dispatch and have to do the same again tomorrow. ugh! i know i will be tired tonight when i come back in, but im going to run or lift weights or do a few yoga poses and some sit ups/push ups, but the bottom line is im going to do something for an hour.  granted i’ll have only 8hrs between shifts to workout, sleep, and eat, but if i can get moving forward today, wont it be easier tomorrow? if i make myself do it when its hard and i dont want to, shouldn’t it be easier on the better days?  i need to take control of the things i can change and stop wishing for them to be better.  taking better care of myself, like getting into better shape,  is only 1 of many things on my list, but if i can make progress on one thing, wont the others be affected also? the reward?  pride in myself, achieving a goal, and (dare i say it?) feel better about myself? 

 “Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” ~Dalai Lama

it’s amazing how quickly we find ourselves stuck in a rut, or just in a routine.  we don’t do well wandering aimlessly.  well, i don’t anyway, and i think it’s a safe bet to say that most of us don’t.  i recently came across a web site www.tinybuddha.com and its helped me rethink things.  there is no hard and fast rule for living your life, but the site has helped me re-open my mind and my eyes.  its a glass is half empty and half full sort of world.  recognize why it is empty and figure out how to make it full again.  no one can make me happy. that is up to me.  if someone says or does something to me, before i jump to a rash and possibly negative reaction, i need to take a second to consider why they did or said what they did.  be empathetic. im not making excuses or trying to avoid confrontation, but we need to look at the bigger picture.  our lives are all inter-connected with the environment around us.  no one thing has total control, unless we let it.  im tired of feeling exhausted, unhappy, wanting what others have. the only thing i have total control over is myself.  i can work on my thinking, my attitude, my outlook, my diet, my body, etc…  i can.  i need to stop saying i can’t, and later because nothing good comes out of that.  later never happens.  ok, so it’s all well and good that i have the motivation, now i have to put it into action.  this part sucks.  its easy to say, so now i must do. i want to reconnect with all the simple pleasures life and friendship has to offer.  i want to be happy in the moment and not always focused on the what if’s of the future.  i’ve made a promise to myself to do something every day and will keep a journal of it.  i’ll add thoughts and quotes to it as i find things out about myself or that help me clarify an action.  im kind of nervous about it, but im excited at the same time.  im tired of walking in the shadow of who i want to me.  it’s time to be me and go for my dreams.  so what if i fall? not that it wont hurt, but i’ll just get back up and keep going.  isn’t that how we learned to walk as babies.

‘the miracle is not that i finished, the miracle is that i had the courage to start’

something i have been struggling with for a while.  found this article at www.tinybuddha.com and wanted to share it.

10 Ways I Know There’s Nothing Wrong with You (or Me)

by Lori Deschene

“On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a joyous energy behind what you do.” ~Eckhart Tolle

At 17 I had it all. I made straight As, was the vice president of the Honor Society, held two jobs, took the lead in four community theater performances, and joined Donnie Osmond onstage as part of the children’s chorus in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

I was busy. I did things well. I got attention. I was ready to snap.

I was so hungry for success and approval I’d do anything to get it, even if it meant exhausting and dehydrating myself straight to the ER. What’s worse, I was continually dissatisfied with everything I did. I was my own punching bag.

Thirteen years later I don’t do nearly as much. I don’t take any classes. I don’t work much at the moment. I don’t perform anymore. On the other side of overexertion, I still beat myself up.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up—there’s something wrong with me.

I live across the country from my family, and haven’t justified it by becoming a massive success—there’s something wrong with me.

I’m obsessed with self improvement, but I’m still not perfect—there’s something wrong with me.

Stop. Revelation. Cue the spotlight: There’s nothing wrong with me.

And there’s nothing wrong with you.

Here’s how I know both of these statements are true:

1. You’re playing the game of life as best you know how, and trying to get better every day. You can’t possibly do someone else’s best, so there’s no point in stressing about it.
2. You make mistakes like everyone else, which allows you to learn as you go. That means you’re doing what you should be.
3. You’re unique, whether you’re introverted or outgoing, book smart or street smart, creative or technical—the list goes on and on. You’re the world’s only opportunity to know a person just like you. The only hope to share what only you can.
4. There’s no such thing as the way you should be. If you do what you enjoy and don’t harm other people, you’re living a beautiful life.
5. You will never become someone—you are someone right now, whether you influence millions of people or mean the world to just one person. Your impact is powerful, whether you realize it or not.
6. If someone hurts you, you don’t deserve it. No one does. End of conversation.
7. You feel emotions and respond to them. That’s the way this whole humanity things works. If you could stand to improve the way you respond, newsflash: you’re still like everybody else.
8. You have a pulse right now, and it’s your choice what you do with it. There’s no right or wrong answer. (Unless what you want is to maim a puppy or something equally perverse.)
9. You choose what you think is best, or else you wouldn’t choose it. As you get new information and grow stronger and smarter, you’ll make different choices.
10. You are beautiful, inside and out.

I’ve printed this out and put it in my nightstand where I can read it when I get hard on myself. I hope it gives you comfort when you start thinking there’s a good reason to not enjoy right now.

Lori Deschene (@lori_deschene on Twitter) is a San Francisco-based freelance writer who believes three things: an ounce of brutal honesty is worth more than tons of praise; it’s never too late to be who you really want to be; everything you need to know about the world you can learn by watching House. She blogs about personal growth and positive thinking at seeinggood.com. Read her other tiny buddha contribution here.

Photo creditsomething i have been struggeling with for a while and wanted to share.  found this blog on www.tinybuddha.com

so i get my run in early this morning, my errands done just after noon, and then the skies open up and pour.  heh, good timing…  im putzing online checking facebook and twitter and i hear thunder.  what? in october?  in connecticut?  good grief, but at least it isn’t snow.  im not ready for that yet. let me enjoy the fall colors and halloween first, please.

huston, we have a problem…  empty coffee mug.  it had honey vanilla white tea chai w/a splash of vanilla carmel coffeemate in it.  debating 2nd cup.  nah, wont sleep for work tonight if i do.  in a funky mood today.  feeling kind of scattered.  had a thought process going when i logged on, but as usual i got sidetracked and now it eludes me.  again.

below is a picture of my cat dixie.  curled up in my lap napping last night while i was watching the red sox game.  life is good…

catnap

a neat blog that i stumbled upon on twitter.  www.tinybuddha.com

“A stumble may prevent a fall.” -Proverb    October 2, 2009

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its been an eventful week.  ran in my 1st 5k last weekend in the tunnel to towers race. which is in honor of firefighter steven siller and the 342 who lost their lives in 9/11.  it was pouring rain and cold for most of the day, but that didn’t seem to dampen anyone’s spirits.  was amazing to see all the firefighters in the dress uniforms holding the banners with images of those lost on 9/11.  i wish i could have gone back and walked through it so i could see all of them.  was quite sad and beautiful at the same time.  running the race has gotten me interested in running some others.  having that set race date seems to help keep the motivation going at the gym and with running.  after working 5 shifts in 3 days i was looking forward to sleeping in.  guess not.  woke up way too early this morning and don’t know why. 530am apparently seemed like a good time to get up, shower, and go do my laundry.  i really can’t complain though.  an empty laundromat, cozy with the heat of the dryers and the smell of frabric softener, along with a strong cup of coffee wasn’t a bad way to start the day.  now i have to figure out the rest of my day.  the ‘to do’ list of chores and cleaning will wait until tomorrow since it is suppsed or start raining later tonight.  thinking a hike and maybe getting a pumpkin or two is in order.  something to kick off the fall season with.    had more to write but i kinda lost direction… need to turn the blackberry off when im blogging.  oh well.  i’ll be back later if it comes to mind.

Yesterday was 9/11. 8 years ago the unimagineable happened and we have been forever changed. Memorials, commentaires, stories, and images were scattered through out the day. For me, I can’t watch the tv and see it replayed over and over again. That morning during my senior year at umass will forever be burned in my mind. I can still see that day when I close my eyes as if I just went through it. Being a member in a firehouse, I have learned what the job entails, the fears and adrenaline rushes, the value placed on a brotherhood and family with bonds that go beyond all others, the celebrations, and the somber moments. Looking back at what happened makes me proud to be a part of such a heroic group (as well as being an american) and I only hope that, through my endeavors as a firefighter, that I do all those who have gone before me proud. That I honor their sacrifice every day.
They may be gone, but they will never be forgotten.

Was bored at work the other night and found the wp ap for blackberry. Just trying it out to see if it works.

More to follow later… still trying to sort it out in my head.

yet again…  all these thoughts running through my head, but by the time i get to sit here, on my laptop with wordpress opened and ready, my mind goes blank.  wtf?  been thinking too much again lately.  almost 7 hours of driving this weekend will do that.  the windows off the jeep, the open road, and the ipod weren’t distraction enough to block out my thoughts.  oh well…

had a great weekend.  went up to foxoboro, ma to gillette stadium (for those who don’t know, its the home of the new england patriots) and saw billy joel and elton john perform.  two phenomenal performers and a great venue.  my friends and i were in the nosebleed seats but the view was good and the show was awesome, so we didn’t care.

billy joel on stage

before i headed back home to ct today i decided to detour west along the mass pike (i90) and stop off in great barrington, ma to visit another college friend.  the ride was great.  open road, good music, the ipod was on shuffle, and it was a gorgeous day.  even manage to get a slight sun burn on my left arm from driving with it in the window for a few hours.  oops!  ha ha.  always a good time to catch up with joe.  had a beer at 20 railroad, walked around town for a bit while we talked and took some photos with my camera.  i really do miss living in ma…

camera man

knock knock

great barrington fire house

more photos to come…..

knollcrest windmill - new fairfield, ct

candlewood lake - new fairfield, ct

dandelion

my jeep & my fire gear - things im rarely without

statring an attack on a propane tank fire